Wishing the distance to Pow Wow.

Started typing: 12:22

Currently listening to: Can't Go by the Bown Eyed Girls

So my first try at standing firm failed in spactacular fashion. But since it is the beging of the month I will once again renew my resolve. I think that it might be to much at once...that in itself is a huge problem, let alone the fact that I have this procrastination problem.

This weekend is something I have been looking foward to for a while...Pow Wow. I am hoping that someday I will be able to go to the Many Nations Pow Wow... I look foward to it and know it will be something that is treasured for ages.

I miss my girls so much. Them being married and off with their families, and me at college doesn't help matters. I want so much to change things...mainly distance. I don't know how I am going to handle it when I move out of the country when I miss them so much, and we are still in the same state. I have been trying to put disance between us since graduation and every time I tried it didn't work. Now that I don't want any disance, there is tons of it. Maybe this is a sign and I just don't want to read it.

Everyday I wish more and more that things didn't turn out the way they had in my life, even the small things. On the one hand I know that a good chunk of my history is for the better, but that doesn't keep me from wishing.

"You'll wish your life away."

Currently listening to: Arial Lin - Rely on

Finished Typing: 12:57

Experimental Weather

Started Typing: 4:40

Currently Watching: Cosby Show

There are some people, that when they joke about something, you can tell they aren't actually joking. This happened to me a few days ago.

Normally I am a loud person, since I live with people who's hearing is going, it makes my loudness worse. I apparently annoyed some people because if this. So for, at least, the next school day, maybe two I am going to change my loudness. I am also going to change a few other things. Then we will see if they perfer me that way. Hopefully then they will understand my point I was trying to get across last time.

Most mornings, when I let the puppy out there is a heavy fog. I love the fog. I don't really know why. The best ones are extreamly thick and heavy. So much so that you can't see your feet, and you can actually feel the weight on your shoulders. I also have a favorite time as to when to play in it. When is the time? Sunrise. Playing in the thick heavy fog at sunrise is like being in another world.

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."

Currently watching: Commercials

Finished Typing: 5:00

Today...Another Change

Started Typing: 4:13

Currently Watching: Commercials

Today I realized how much I must stand firm in my resolve. Today I have promised myself that I will do better than I did (or didn't) do the last time I was in the same position. Today I must change the way I work. Today I took the first step toward...Well who knows what? All I know is that the next four months are going to be long, busy, and annoying.

I have taken my second step toward what I hope to get out of the new year...today. Now I must keep on this course, and continue with what I am determined to do. Today another change has taken place.

Unfortunately it forces me to think of what is to come and that scares me...failure is not an option this time.

"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it."

Currently Watching: Commercials

Finished Typing: 4:30

Marriage

Started typing: 8: 50 p.m.
Currently Watching: Ghost Hunters International

For some reason one of my best friends is intent on trying to get me married off this year, since she wasn’t able to last year. She and our other best fried both married this past year. I, on the other hand have no desire to anytime soon. There are many things that I want to do before I settle down. The main one is to travel, and eventually move to (hopefully) England. If I got married now, at 21 I would have to either find a man that is willing to do the same, or give up my dream of doing so. Now if the first happened, I am not sure that I would be so opposed to being married, but with the latter…well that simply is going to happen. There is no way that I am going to give up something that I have thought of, dreamed of, and set my mind to without even bothering. Especially for a man, not even if I am deeply madly in love.

“I want to travel before I am married.”
“What if you are in love with a guy when you are ready to leave?”
“Then he has two choices… Go with me or stay behind.”
“You would break up with a guy that didn’t want to travel?”
“Yes, because I was in love with traveling before I ever was with him.”

Is it possible that I am the only person on Earth that thinks this way? I think that, that is impossible. Another thing that I think is this…The man that I am destined to be with does not live here, I believe that I will meet him in my travels, while I am in his home country.

Currently watching: Ghost Hunters
Finished Typing: 9:31 p.m.

Limelight Disappearing Acts

Started typing: 4:40

Currently listening to: B2st- Bad Girl

I want more than anything to disappear. Sounds odd doesn’t it? 90% of people want to stand out, be the in the limelight, and have the entire world’s eyes on them. That has never crossed my mind. I don’t like having people watch me. When I was little I would act in the elementary school plays and in the ones at church. Now one of my favorite things to do is hide. The “Everyone watching you” fame, it not what I want. Now I’ll admit, I do want a little bit of fame. Who doesn’t? The fame I want is what could be considered the best kind of fame. Being an Author. Unless you are at an event, then nobody really notices you, unlike a movie star or musician.

There is also another form of disappearing. This form, I would take over the fame any day. This disappearing, no one knows about until long after you have gone. It is to pick up and leave. To decide on a whim to move. Tell no one when, where, or why. This is truly what I want more than anything. I know where I would go, and exactly how much it would cost to do. I don’t care about taking anything with me besides a few weeks change of clothes, and my animals. Leaving everything behind, even my most precious items. That is how much I want to disappear.

"The U.S. is the only place you have the right to disappear."

Currently listening to: Kelly Clarkson- Beautiful Disaster

Stopped typing: 6:30

My Love

Started Typing: 2:32

Currently Watching: Wimbledon

I believe that everyone has something, or someone that they love, whether they admit it or not. I also believe that very few of those same people have something or someone that they would die for, or die trying to keep themselves close to it. To me the first is lust, infatuation, or deep like. The second, to me, that is true love.

My lust, infatuation, or deep likes.

1. Most music
2. Nearly any book
3. Traveling
4. Animals
5. Sleeping
6. Playing ^_^

And of course others that I can't think of right now.

My Dies.

1. My writing
2. My grandparents
3. My two best friends (and their husband/children)
4. My pets

Two and Three I am currently dieing for, to keep them near to me. My grandparents, I am going well with. My two best friends, not so much. They are both married, one with a child. With one I grow further and further from by the second, and she won't admit it, even though it is blatantly obvious. I miss her more and more everyday. The other I see almost everyday, but this does not mean I am close with her. I am her babysitter, and that is what she refurs to me as. I know that she has forgotten about the friendship we had, and doesn't seem the changes that are right in front of her nose.

My Grandparents, mean the world to me. When my parents, couln't and wouldn't, keep me. They did. They taught me things that my parents never would have. I am who I am today, mainly because of them. I would be no where if it weren't for them. I know that someday, probably soon, I will loose them. Untill them, I will work on appreciating them, and hope that when that day does come, I will have made them proud of myself.

"When love is not madness, it is not love."

Currently watching: Angel

Finished typing: 3:34

New...Time for Change

Started Typing: 12:30

Currently Watching: Diners, Drive-ins & Dives

I know the day technically starts at 12:00 am, but I never think of it that way. My new days start at 1:00 am. Why? I don't know...I just have always thought of it this way. I think that it was a miscommunication in my schooling when I was little.

So It is officially a new day, of a new week, of a new month, of a new year....again. Today I chose to start over, but leave things the same. There are things I want out of this new year, and this is my first step in that direction. A few I can accomplish on my own, others only time will tell.

Most people when they write blogs, expect to get many people that read their nonsense. I, on the other hand could care less if I have people that continually read my nonsense. I will give my blog link to my friends, it is their choice whether to read it or not. I will use it in my signature on forums, and on my myspace, facebook, and other websites, it is other people's choice whether to click, then read it or not. Eithr way, with or without people reading/commenting, I will continue.

"Once you put something on the Internet, you can't take it back, it is out there forever."

Currently Watching: Iron Chef

Done Typing: 1:36 am (The distraction of T.V.)